as usual i wait until i'm almost spent on the whole writing gig to just give up and come back to this shithole of a journal.
where did eveybody go? oh, to myspace and facebook.
well thats good cause i can write whatever the hell i want and i don't have to worry about prying eyes. just the eyes of strangers. but strangers are faceless so i dont have to look into their eyes. on here anyway. i'm not sure i would like what i saw in them anyway. people lie with their eyes.

got too fat. old and fat. ha.

i do everything backwards these days. taking classes in college, dating a 22 year old, also in college. living with three people.

2 years ago i had my own place and a steady 9-5. i'm regressing. is a midlife crisis possible at 25? yep folks. i'm 25 now. no room to pretend like i'm a kid anymore.

everybody jumped on this blogwagon and played it out and now tumbleweeds blow by.

so i stopped smoking like 5 months ago. its a lot easier to quit when you're around people that don't smoke at all. when i go back to downey i always want to though. i went on a camping trip to arizona recently with some old friends and one of them gave me a cigarette. I lit it and tried to smoke it but i just started choking and coughing. i couldn't even inhale. pitiful. but i guess that's a good sign cause i didn't want a smoke the rest of the weekend trip.

now i hardly ever want one. they kept my craving for food down though. ugh now i eat crap all the time. chips pretzels chocolate good lawd yall get that corn outta my face.

so i been lookin up diets even though i know its all bullshit and i just have to eat right.
but god thats boring. exercising and eating healthy...as sabrina would say..fuckin yawn dude.

i wonder should i start a new blog where nobody knows who the hell i am. i think i might. i like the idea of complete anonimity. hell, i've started over everything else, why not on livejournal too?

someone left an anonymous comment on here stating that i should write on here more because there are still people in alabama who care about me and want to keep up with me.
honestly i forgot about this livejournal but if you want to contact me, look me up on myspace. search for the address-->leakypoofaucet at yahoo dot com

well...
yep

been writing lots of lyrics and collaborating on new songs with ernesto and the other guys in the band.

its been awhile since we've practiced cause our friggin drummer isnt allowed to practice til he decides hed like to attend school regularly. resumes back to every week after this sunday.

got my title as office manager back at work. lets throw a party. note the sarcasm.

but anyway yeah. things are going good for me these days. going to a show in Chino Hills tonight with ernesto, chris and richard. gonna get some booze on the way up and hopefully have some fun.

i think ernesto has to work tomorrow but who knows these days.

meditation with noah levine every wednesday has been incredible. he does a guided mindful meditation for about a half an hour and then we have a group discussion for an hour. afterwards we all go to eat at Buddha's Belly across the street. we dont always stay after though. its a two hour bus and train ride there and then two and a half hours back. usually end up leaving home at about 5pm and then getting home a little past midnight. its was all worth it to have him as a teacher. one class we were talking about showing compassion to others. i asked him what do you do when you show compassion and try to help others but to the point that you end up causing suffering on your behalf. Noah explained to me that it isn't fully compassionate to do such a thing, because in doing things for others, you must also do so with love for yourself, otherwise you enter into a sort of self-martyrdom. i turned really fucking red but maybe hes right. you begin to cling to these relationships where all you end up doing is serving the other person while you gain nothing emotionally except pain. there is always an aversion to pain in normal life and latching on to something like that turns to masochism. i am a truly selfish person. we all are. so many things have opened my eyes these past few months.

i've been letting go slowly and painfully but it makes all the difference in the world. im learning to love the self instead of an image. im such a beginer at all this, but these classes really push me along. i bought stepehn levine's "A Gradual Awakening" and have almost completely devoured it.

This feels like a turning point. There are many things that I would like to change at some point, but for NOW, im learning what the NOW actually is. Looking past the boxcars that fly by, into the horizon. The view is much better when you think of everything as bubbles.

yeah ive gotten weirder.

look at me judge im a pro.

im losing that judgemental sense. damnit that in itself is a judgement. and so it that. it just keeps going unless you will it to cease.


and just be.


noah is different in person. you expect some loud booming voice, but instead its quiet and humble, friendly and soft. theres a couple retreats going on that im looking into attending, but it's expensive.
they're also starting a Year to Live group but i dunno if i wanna do that.

i gotta get going. maybe ill get the guts to write more some other day.


-natalie

things change so much in such a short time.
louisiana changed things quite a bit too, i felt old when i came back from volunteering. it was like 28 days later after the hurricanes. deserted streets and empty homes. we did good work there.
shortly after, yesenia went on a road trip for 9 days and when she came back, asked me to find a new place to live by november 1st. about a week and a half later i found a great place and have been breezing through life. i grabbed the last of my stuff from her house on the 28th i think? i got new curtains for the bedroom and we're gonna look at paint stuff when there's more money available to be spent.
my family asked me to come home for thanksgiving, but im already home and dont plan on leaving.
i started writing music with ernesto a while ago and recently added a drummer and a bassist. we played our first show a few weeks ago and it went really well. i never expected that my thoughts would come out of my mouth in song for an audience. it was liberating though. i thought for sure i would choke, there were tons of people there. but they cheered and screamed and when i looked to the crowd, they were actually listening. felt sort of powerful. but it just goes back to finding new strength inside of you i guess. or hidden strength that was there all the time. either way, it feels good to have discovered it. halloween was hilarious, i found a dress that had been slashed and smeared with blood, ill post pictures soon.

i signed up for mediation classes in los angeles at a yoga center with Noah Levine. he recently moved here to promote a screenplay based on Dharma Punx, and he's holding a 5-week class. im really excited to go. i also wanna get him to sign my book. ernesto and larry are gonna go with me. it starts in november, and all the dates fall on my days off. perfect yeh?

anyway im on my lunch break and wanna smoke cigarettes so i should go. i come on here every now and then and read everybody's stuffs but i dont feel the urge to write in here as much. but today i felt the inclination. im alive. more alive than ever.

was going to attempt to keep a written journal of my experiences here in Louisiana, but there is never enough time. plus i type faster than i write. what is the most astounding to me is that there is no news coverage of the converted shelters we're working in. we've all been here since the 12th. onlyfour days, but it feels like four fucking months. we started off strong and hopeful, but all that has dwindled. the doctor has decided that our volunteer work is a waste of time and she is flying back to california tomorrow morning.

we all seem to be splitting up and cracking up. ive lost my mind numerous times since ive been here, im not sure i recognise myself anymore. staring back in the mirror at me is a complete stranger. louisiana...try to wash it away. jesus christ what has the world come to. new orleans has drowned. ive met lots of people who lost everything they ever had their entire lifetime.

doc has given up completely. she said she is going to take vacation now with the remaining time she has left. julian, yesenia, larry and i are opting to stay behind and help where we can. we finally got a hotel room after four fucking days of staying here. we stayed at a baptist church the first night, but we weren't welcomed back. the dean at LSU put us up in the student dorms since then. people here are so ungrateful. the vet students put ants on us in our sleep and we woke up with swollen faces. the days are unbearably hot and humid by about 9 am. there are about 1,200 animals at Parker Coliseum and 1,800 at Lamar-Dixon. we've been to both and im not sure which is worse. parker is nothing but red tape and total beurocratic bullshit. we thought lamar-dixon would be better, but we talked to a few ladies from virginia and we found that they use gas chambers there to euthanize. COMPLETELY INHUMANE!!!!!!

Locals want us out, my head is a constant unrelenting storm. we getting so that none of us really talk anymore and julian is pulling his hair out to keep everyone from falling apart. today has been the worst day so far.

we were asked to leave the facility this morning after being there fifteen minutes. on the way out, we were stopped by dr. david, a double-boarded surgeon who seems to be somewhat in charge. he told us to come back at 7 that night for a DVM/Tech meeting. after the meeting, he talked to us for a bit. told us to come back tomorrow morning at 6:30a and see what we can do to help.

i miss my life and thankfully my grandparents have been super supportive. this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i feel so alone, so cut off from the outside world. i dont know what the fuck i would do if it weren't for this damn wireless laptop. every eye i look into is a tired one. we need more volunteers. we need more volunteers. we shut down our whole hospital for a week for this. please. please help however you can

its been a really long time since i've updated. i've been singing more, written 5 songs so far, each one is better than the next i think. most of the people ive attempted to share it with have been somewhat receptive.
ernesto and i went to vegas for labor day weekend and it was great, went to red rock canyon and went on the strip, old vegas, gambling etc. went back to red rock afterwards and sang for a small audience of george's friends (george is ernesto's friend, he let us crash at his place when we went).

work has been hellish, been superbusy. the doctor and julian are going to louisiana to treat sick animals that were abandoned, and in a state of emergency she can also treat people. they've asked me to go along to help where i could and i made my decision today. i'm going. we leave on tuesday. i'm scared, expecting the worst. but its something i need to do

rocky horror was insteresting last week. we went again tonight and took lots of slutty pictures. me yesenia and larry went tonight. yesenia got sandwiched in between two strangers in a group hump in honor of being devirginized by a dungeons and dragons reject. frank furter was hot and fake-kissed my ear. i had elbow sex with the fake magenta, it turned into a belly flop and i was unsatisfied. so yeah i had a two and a hla fsoparks and im flying and drunk at the same time and now we're gonna go get dennys and make asses of ourselves. larry dressed up as a nurse he stole my fucking thunder of an idea that ass hat. tiffany gave him the suit, but next Saturday night is lingerie night so its gonna be all right. this new life is strange but fun and i dont seem to mind it. k bye

everything is always the same thing over and over. the same things will continue to happen until i make myself heard. i don't know why i welcome the doormat role.

well here i am okay and i know its been a long time, but i was gonna update earlier today and i just couldn't find it in me.

I've been painting tons and i like the way the paintings are turning out these days. it sets me free and makes me remember what it was to feel whole for an instant.

i must confess, I've been drinking. i just got back from The Stardust. me yesenia and Abraham went over and had a few drinks. i was acting all out of sorts just because ernesto didn't call me back. but i think it's ok because I'm wondering if i'm falling in love again? he's different, there's lots of layers and he wants so much to open up and he's done so, but only just a little. there's so much behind it all.
anyway i'm getting off track.

im listening to bikini kill and before that it was ben harper and ani defranco, im such a schizo. things are at a weird point right now because everything is going okay but i relalized tonight while i was having a cigarette outside of the stardust that i am what i am because of the things that i've done and that the only one responsible for all this is me. its easy for me to blame the red headed boy for bringing me out here. but it's really me.. i did it all to myself. i used that boy as an excuse to come out here. all one, on my own. but im not sorry.. because i have lived more in these past three or four years than i've ever lived in my life and that makes me want to shout from the highest building that i'm finally free, that i'm living for me. it's a really foreign, liberating discovery that i've found inside myself. i'm finally coming into my own and there's lots of things i'd like to change (to make things better for me), but i'm working on all of it. and to know that i'm actually in control is such a wonderful feeling.


everything is changing so much. im seeing a boy that seems to be completely fascinated by me. i can't account for his taste but i do know that i'm totally smitten. i can actually talk to him, and truly honestly be myself. i don;t worry about what he thinks so much. he makes me feel like i can do no wrong.

the first time we went out, the night ended up with me puking on the front lawn. i woke up the next day shaking my head in disgust and knowing that i would never hear from him again. but he called. and laughed and said that i kick ass. i get off track easy and forget the things i felt at the beginning. i want it to be back to that. i want to talk to him now but that's just the drunk in me. luckily im nowhere near a phone.


things at work are weird. yesenia quit and it was just me and richard and chris for a bit, then all these applicants started coming in and one was a tweaker and one's an idiot and one's a cute gay guy that i love, and the other is a WEIRD BORING CANADIAN and i think that's ironic cause i hated canadians a loooong time ago and i have trouble accepting this humdrum chick that loves hockey and talks about her sister's cat. im sort of weirded out because it turns out that richard has the hots for me cause he's cute but younger and i always thought of him as the little brother type.

him and chris and abdrew have been coming over lately and partying with us and then more and more people show up and it turns into a big thing. things are always happening at our pad lately and i blach blach im friggin drunk how is it that i typed this much.

im so torn between doing the babyish things and doing th adult things yknow? it feels so foreign to have to make the right decisions. i play out all these scenes in my head of what would happen if i did this or that and it all seems so lovely. the only problem im having with envisioning all of these things is seeing the actual repercusions of everything i reenact in my dome.


yeh whateva.

now weezer is playing (pink triangle). and it makes me think of jonathan cobb and the times we' d drive around tuscaloosa in his car and talk about music and whatnot. and i don't know if he knows it but i still display the card he sent me (case of beer for a cse of plutonium) along with the fanny pack from canada and on the card it says from canada with love - jonathan, and it makes me think of old times and how much i loved it there. you read that damnit? if you've gotten this far i fugure you must be as drunk as i am.

I love all of you and hope that i didn't bore you too much. comment on this shit and let me know for the love of god.

work is crazy, Julian got fired and yesenia quit. these are good things tho because it made doc realize that she is a bit psycho at times and we are all actually worth something at times. plus yesenia may be coming back? so t his is a plus because i don't think im handling all the responsibility so well. its a lot. im managing. otherwise, things are going ok.
Saturday night ernesto and his friend mike came over and they made cape cods for all and we drank them and then shaun showed up, along with adam and Dave and Marc. and also Elliot who thankfully left. we all went to the stagger inn and had countless pitchers of Newcastle and shot pool and talked to Indians and basically had a great time.
Sunday afternoon we went to sunset beach and got knocked over by choppy waves and swam and shivered and afterwards had drinks at The Brigg and then went to super mex and ate rice and beans and Mexican things. i was still in my bathing suit so the stupid thing soaked through my skirt and i walked around with a wet ass and we went to a head shop with a weird shopkeeper who kept showing up like laying on the couch there and then eating Chinese food but was always around wherever we went in the shop.
Monday was psychotic at work and then i finally got home after working 11 hours or something and watched a bad national lampoon movie with grown-up topanga and passed out to the sounds of everyone measuring adam's penis (?). and they looked it up and it turns out he's average if you care to know.
tonight im missing out on texas hold-em and corona's going around in the garage cause i wanted to update on here before i forget that things have been crazy for awhile but right now i am pretty happy. tomorrow im going back to the beach, this time with ernesto and then we're gonna go to Santa Monica and meet up with his friend mike. before i go though i have to work for a minute and take care of this dog that's in intensive care from a leg amputation we did pretty recently. luckily Richard is going to come in and help me. we've all come such a long way at this hospital even though it sucks some times, i think its worth it all.
that's what im beginning to see.

everything is always worth it i think. at least i hope so.

i am thinking that maybe i will just join the army. its everything i'm against, why not.

big head boy i like your style

yesenia and i met shaun at the glen last night. she asked him where everyone was. said they were on their way, that adam didn't want to come because his sister hangs out there sometimes. but shaun called him and said that she wasn't there, so then adam changed his mind, got matt star and rhiannon to go pick him up. they showed up not long after. mark came after he got off the phone with lee.

i bought everybody shots of jack and mark bought me an adios because i spent a small fortune on drinks. i played matt star in pool, he kicked my ass but scratched on the 8 ball. my luck ran out and i lost to mark in the next game.
adam did karaoke, sang the doors "people are strange". he got really into it. i signed them all up for more karaoke. they sang lets talk about sex by salt n pepper. about halfway through the song, mark gave up and just stood there and pounded beers while adam and shaun sang.
this dancing man who danced the whole time said he had something for yesenia.
we were all leaving but the dancing man and his friend in a wheelchair stopped us and we smoked a joint with them and a drunk lesbian who said she wanted to know if we had a swing. she was with this pretty boy who i thought was gay but it just turns out he's really pretty. i told him i was sorry but when someone's that good looking you just wrongfully assume sometimes. yeh whatever, i was pretty drunk i think.
so we went home and smoked a cigarette outside, everyone was already inside and drinking. i sat on the couch and passed out for a few minutes. got up and said goodnight. walked to my room and fell on the door. nobody noticed though i don't think. went inside and turned off the light.
matt star screamed get the hell up damn it this is not alabama. but it had been a long crazy day with not too much sleep the night before. i slept twelve hours and had the best dreams that i can't remember today. i hate it when that happens. ernesto is coming back tomorrow, i think he wants to go to the beach. but i need a new suit, the one from last year doesn't fit me since i lost weight. whatever, i won't bring a bathing suit ill wear a hoodie and UFO's like I'm 15 again.
i liked the time we went to beach before; it was night and the moon made everything the way it normally looks in the moonlight. the waves threatened to swallow me, weird things happen to the water as the moon rises. yeah yeah i know what the process is called, but im just saying.

spunky needs xanax because he has panic attacks during fireworks. shaun is going to pick them up momentarily and im gonna go with, i need razor blades and makeup and i want to pick up a new book. im off

all attempts futile
shut down
wont let me in
stupid to try
again and again
but i thought maybe you loved me
and learned to forgive
could learn to move on
wont give in
wont submit
gotta be the best
the one who goes down in your memory
as the one who stung the most
as the one who wanted to wound

set yourself on fire
go
down in flames denying
screaming tragic
playing the hurt

it's this damn wisdom tooth. i feel it cutting through gum at an agonizingly slow rate.

i just reread survivor by chuck palahniuk. its about the same as it was last time.
i heard mike kenyon is quite the christian fanatic these days. funny how people change so dramatically. i talked to his mom a little while after my family left town. she says that he's not doing too well, that she's seen him do better. she seemed strained on the phone, as though she wanted to say more but had been instructed not to.
it's a real shame the way that all turned out. letting someone else play thought police for you is strange to me, i don't know how i ever let it happen to me.

ernesto came by before he left for nevada. this weekend, he and his band are playing at some sort of festival in nevada, on the outskirts of vegas. he asked me to come but per the usual, i have to work. even if i asked off ahead of time, it would've spelled the end of my career at the vet hospital with the way things are going. blah.

i don't think i wrote it in here to begin with, but I'm finally getting over being sick. i slept with the fan on in my room about a week ago and woke up to a throat full of dust. turns into coughing. turns into a fever turns to sneezing turns to mucusy miserable me. snively little sick girl trudging through the 9-5 slave drive with a Kleenex clenched in one hand and a file in the other. yesenia caught it and i can hear her in her bedroom, keeping herself awake with coughs that come from the same place mine came from.

yesterday Richard gave me a ride home from work. he had his friends Andrew and Andrew with him. we bought beers on the way to my house and i opened one as soon as he pulled in. yesenia came home and said hey just drink them here. younger guys are funny. tall Andrew like radiohead and nearly screamed with joy when i put them on the stereo. meaty Andrew has a girlfriend but insisted on trying to get me to dance with him? he was brutally denied and spent the rest of the night pouting on couch cushions by the porch. he also kicked a beer can into the honeysuckle and puked in the bushes near my bedroom window. and peed on the front lawn. im sure he kicked himself the next morning. but it was all pretty funny all in all. Richard stayed sober because he has an 11pm (!) curfew. he got made fun of a lot, not for living with his parents at 19, but for the curfew thing.

Wednesday ernesto asked me to go with him to guitar gallery after work. he picked me up and we drove to cerritos (ugh). he looked at guitars and i rediscovered the piano while i was there; i played all the songs i used to play when i like 12 and took lessons. i think im gonna get like...a musical instrument of some sort. when there's money for it i mean. anyway, afterwards we went to eat at this pizza place. i tcreeped me out because there was a flat screen TV at every table with its own remote. i mean, how much further could you distance yourself from someone? you might as well go there with friends and eat pizza and say nothing and watch TV and eat pizza and then call someone and talk on your cell phone while you do the rest of it you big phony.
as you could guess, i turned off the TV.

we went to ferns and had whiskey and coke, played pool and pinball, talked about the state of the world. i tried to talk to some other people but i guess long beach people are just too uppity or something. i never knew. but whateva right?

i keep saying im going to paint again but i never do. i keep saying I'm going to fold my clean laundry but i haven't. i keep saying im gonna go to bed at a decent hour but i never do. i go to bed late and wake up late feeling bitchy about having to start off another day that way. shit keeps piling up and i have no one to blame but the girl in the mirror. yours truly

-natalie

shaun ROCKS!!


me+barkeep

um yeah.  i dont what to say bout this one.  not my best.